Master the Art of Difficult Conversations

How to hold tough talks with clarity and confidence.

It's no secret that silence builds resentment. And we can all agree that tough conversations are uncomfortable. By avoiding them, we create misunderstanding, broken relationships and a lack of progress. However, a difficult conversation can also be an empowering experience as it serves as an opportunity to express your needs and concerns, enhance your communication skills, and build stronger, more understanding relationships. Embracing them is the mark of a great leader, and a great human.

Whether it's a professional or personal issue, harnessing these techniques will help you navigate and accomplish almost any tough discussion:

Pick the best moment

Privacy and timing can significantly impact the outcome of any difficult conversation. Choose your space and your pace carefully, keeping in mind that some conversations need time to mature towards a mutually beneficial outcome.

How to do it:

• What you want to discuss may be urgent, but that doesn’t mean it’s an emergency.

• Timing is everything. Don't rush - or rush into - a tough conversation.

• Wait until you are calm enough to discuss the issue without overwhelming emotion.

• Consider the goal of the conversation.

• Spend some time thinking about why you want to hold the conversation.

• Educate yourself on the topic and the solutions that you want to propose.

• Select a suitable time and a neutral location for the conversation.

• Schedule personal recovery time to reset after your difficult conversation.

• Avoid anything that needs your full attention directly after your tough talk.

Prepare

Investigating what’s at stake helps you to recognise the most important aspects of a complicated or intense situation and can inform your choices about how to proceed. Prepare key points and expected outcomes clearly prior to having the tough conversation. Be open to the fact that the other person may not respond as you anticipate, and make sure that you're in the right mindset to handle both their expected and unexpected responses professionally and tactfully.

How to do it:

• Write down your points and what you want to get across well in advance.

• Read through these points a few times before the tough conversation.

• Make sure that you are committed to sharing these points with the other person.

• Remember that what you say, can't be unsaid. So, be kind.

Begin with praise and appreciation

Nourishing the other person with positive feedback and appreciation before you begin the difficult conversation can help both of you feel clear, balanced, and respected. In difficult conversations, even the smallest amount of acknowledgment, goodwill, or appreciation can provide a lifeline in the flood of words and emotions.

How to do it:

• Be genuine.

• Reflect on their behaviour and share with them why you appreciate or admire them.

• Focus on things they can control, such as their behaviour or actions.

• Phrase your compliment in a positive and straightforward manner.

• Be specific and describe what they did or the quality they have that is special.

Be clear on your message

If you are sharing a message that will be difficult for the other person to hear, do it directly and quickly. Don't drag out the conversation or beat around the bush. Acknowledge your mistakes without deviation and be honest and transparent. The other person deserves your integrity.

How to do it:

• Be clear about how you feel and what you want.

• Look at the issue from their perspective and respect their disappointment.

• If you are unable to find common ground, it's OK to agree to disagree.

Stay open to their view

Humanising the other person requires the humility and empathy to step outside of your own story and consider other perspectives. Be curious and respectful. Instead of focusing on what you’re going to say, focus more on what you’re hearing from the other person. Acknowledge their emotions and validate their viewpoint for better understanding.

How to do it:

• Ask questions and actively listen to the answers.

• Demonstrate open body language.

• Observe how your body is positioned and self-correct where necessary.

• Focus on understanding what they are saying, not on your response.

• Respond authentically and with engagement.

• Accept that you may not agree with the other person's viewpoint.

• Understand that agreement is not always the end goal, or necessary.

Manage your emotions

Conflict can send a cascade of physiological effects throughout your body. Your breathing changes, stress hormones release, and, if you lack the skills to meet this swell of energy, your cognitive function alters. Stay calm and composed, using deep breaths or pauses when necessary. The more you can find ways to naturally pause and deactivate, the easier it will be to stay clear, hear one another, and respond wisely.

How to do it:

• Breathe deeply before speaking to respond thoughtfully instead of reactively.

• Have an awareness cue that will help you pause, think, and respond without ego.

• Use “I feel” statements to convey emotions without blaming or accusing.

• Find common interests/goals to build rapport and keep interactions collaborative.

• If you feel the conversation reaching a breaking point, stop and take a time out.

• Seek someone you trust to be present, listen, and reflect on back what they hear.

Let the other person save face

Preserve the other person's dignity and avoid assigning blame. Any disagreement or difficult conversation is uncomfortable because it challenges our values, and/or our emotions and/or our reputation.

How to do it:

• Understand that both of you will be in a fight or flight mode.

• Accept that the other person's sympathetic nervous system is acting as it should.

• Hold space for the other person to absorb and respond to your message.

• Never threaten the other person's being or reputation.

• Assure them that there is a safe and mutually beneficial outcome for you both.

End with a plan

Your conversation ender is your last chance to change the overall feel of the tough discussion. Conclude with the next steps and a positive tone to reinforce effective collaboration.

How to do it:

• Use a checklist to help both of you solidify the benefits of your conversation.

• Record commitments, new understandings, and the way forward as needed.

• Clarify who else needs to know about your new plan.

• Record any topics that might still need to be addressed in an ongoing, regular way.

• If needed, set a date for the first follow up conversation.

• If you are either of you are unable to commit to a plan immediately, take a time out.